This weekend, I found an interesting documentary about pleasure on Netflix that I recommend. It consists of three episodes, each approximately 45 minutes long, in which a group of sexologists, scientists, writers, filmmakers, and a small group of women of different ages, races, and professions share their experiences with pleasure.
The first episode, ‘Our Bodies’, exposes a reality that all human beings experience today: the impact of social media and how it conditions people to want to be better in order to accept and love themselves.
If we put it like this, it doesn’t seem like a bad thing; however, the demands to have an ideal weight, a certain hairstyle, or a certain skin color in order to fit into an imperfect society that always seeks perfection can become harmful to both your physical and mental health.
Ericka Hart, sexologist and educator, shares her opinion on the subject: “How we think we should look comes from inherited thoughts about what the world tells us we should be like; the same world that has been colonized, in large part, by white supremacy, which says that our bodies should be thin, able-bodied, white, and cisgender”.
Self-esteem, self-love, and female empowerment are concepts that have encouraged women, in particular, to be more aware of their bodies and accept that we are all different in terms of genetics, build, habits, race, and environment.
Emily Nagoski, sex educator and PhD, author of the book Come As You Are, recommends a powerful exercise in front of the mirror:
“Stand in front of the mirror wearing as little clothing as you can tolerate and write down everything you see that you like. Of course, at first your brain will be flooded with everything you were taught was wrong with your body.
The idea is to put those initial negative thoughts aside and look for everything you do like: do you like your eyelashes? Write it down, do you like your toenails? Write it down, if it’s your soul, because you can see it through your eyes, write it down.
Do the exercise the next day, then the day after that, and the more often you do it, the more you will begin to see your body with a clearer gaze. You will be healthier mentally and you will be enabling the people around you to accept and love their bodies the way you want your daughter, mother, or sister to love and accept their bodies just as they are”.
In the second chapter, “Our Minds”, they reveal an open secret: the mind is your body’s most important gateway to sexual pleasure.
As Lori Brotto PhD, executive director of the Women’s Health Research Institute in British Columbia, explains:
“The mind-body connection is fundamental for sexual desire. Sexual desire can be shaped and adapted throughout life. It’s not something fixed; no one is born with a specific level of sexual pleasure or desire. It’s experience and practice that allow it to evolve”
This means that if you fit within the culturally constructed standard of beauty and gender, you have “permission” to find pleasure, and if you stray from said standard, you simply are not allowed.
Brotto says that “non-binary or gender-queer trans people are less likely to seek medical care. Therefore, health professionals need to be better educated so that they can guide people with different gender expressions and make them feel included”.
And the last chapter, “Our Relationships”, seems to be the most complex one because, as some of the women interviewed explain, the real challenge of being in a relationship is exploring pleasure with another person. This is because, in addition to feeling insecure about their bodies, they also feel limited in how they give and receive pleasure.
The experts in this documentary confirm that communication with your partner is important so that both can explore sexual pleasure. There are no magic pills or recipes, you just have to talk honestly with your partner about what you like and don’t like, and vice versa.
Remember that good sex requires clear communication so that all parties can understand each other. The more you play and allow yourselves to explore your desires, the more you will discover about your other half, and that person will be able to discover themselves as they learn more about your pleasure.
And although it’s not an easy task, trust is something we must build day by day. Pleasure belongs to you, whether you are single or in a relationship. You deserve to feel pleasure #sinrecato.
Traducción del español: Catalina Oviedo Brugés
